Nothing..absolutely nothing...and I have a big problem with that. And how do I solve this? By taking it out on other people. Yes I'm 26 and I still experience hissy fits. I'm so bored by my regular working life and it seems like the majority of my friends are going through some self discovery process that everyone forgot to just get over ourselves and have a good time!!!

I recently had a heartbreak..well if you want to call it that. I was THIS close to trusting someone who in my book was completely un-trustworthy, but for the sake of taking a risk..i almost did and yeah I'm glad i didn't..well in my head I already committed to the act of trust but never got to follow through. Okay well the point is I was really into a asshole and he did an asshole thing. Not very original in my age group.

I go through anger...sadness...reminiscent...yearning..then back to anger...all in a 7 hour work week. It gets draining..and while all this is happening someone i kinda don't want is knocking down my door. Oh why couldn't it be the other...why couldn't the unavailable one be available?? No of course it wouldn't be that easy. That's life giving me a break... Silly me. Nice of me to expect him to like EVERYTHING I'm into and knowing that I would NEVER try to compromise for the other...yeah real balanced

I know I have issues with trust and opening up..so i started seeing a therapist..she kinda looks like Bea Authur..but I like her..shes pretty much type cast me into someone that I clearly am but have convinced others I'm not. Touche my dear...touche indeed.

 I want to go somewhere awesome this summer...go to a good concert..be in puppy love...get drunk..lose 20 pounds..see a great movie..take more pretentious pictures..make more money..and eat more guacamole...

There...I finally made a list..

my mom said this morning. Then within 2 mins of her making that statement...my alarm went off. Coming from my slumber I had realized mom already took a shower and was giving me 20 mins to get dress and hop in her SUV to try to beat the voting rush. "So all I have to do is press a button and I voted Courtney?" Baffled at her statement I just said "Yeah it's really easy...don't make it harder then it has to be." She smirked at me as she parked the car, her enthusiasm was strange for me to grasp, but then again this is the women who always said she would never vote.

The line was out the door of the elementary school in my town. Mom smiled at me and fondly reminisced about the days that she and my dad would send me off to school with my various obsessions shown via lunch box. I myself was shocked that they still have that dumb looking Donald Duck painting in the main hallway. She rubs my hand and we go over the game plan...sign in..get your ballot..walk to the booth and press the button.

"WARD 4 DISTRICT 3!!!" an older man with dreads yelled at the top of his lungs. Apparently a gentlemen before us almost voted in the wrong booth which would of caused a cosmic meltdown in Roselle, New Jersey. "We don't need no mess ya know?" Said the old lady that had been chatting with my mom. She was a first time voter too. "Obama needs our votes." Mom nods her head and rubs my back. The man next to me in the Ward 4 District 2 line seem to have the voting thing down to the T, as he informed the man to the back of him that Gore only needed 600 more votes to win. "Shit there's well over 600 blacks in this town and just think if we all got off our asses then and voted." I nodded to myself as i digged for my cellphone...and yeah i was gonna miss the 7:06 bus to New York. "Is that true Courtney?" my mom asked. "Uh yeah..well among other issues but sure." I wasn't sure if I answered her question correctly because I was fixated on the frustrated poll worker that was trying to show this older white man that all he has to do is press down on the screen to vote. Then the poll worker sighs and goes in the booth with man to give him a demonstration. "Mom do you know that if someone wanted to be an ass they can call that voter fraud?" Mom looks at me puzzled and shrugs.

As I was about to enter the booth i saw two childhood friends with their mothers. We exchange friendly glances filled with "Oh my god i haven't seen you in years...I want to talk to you but I have to go to work now." I smile as I enter the booth and vote for who I want for president, senate, representative, and a change in a state amendment . I step out and see that my childhood chums had left. I signal to my mom and she walks toward me. "Remember...don't make it harder..push the screen..hit the red button and you voted." She listens to my directions and head into the booth. I wait for her by the door of the gymnasium and wonder how in the hell did I fit into these auditorium seats at age 6. I snap back to reality and notice my mother standing in front of me with a huge grin.

We walk to moms SUV and she ask me where do i want to get dropped off. I informed her Amsterdam ave would be best..I can catch the 7:40am bus. We chat about what we have in store for the day and I once again reassured her that yes she pressed the right button and her vote will count. "I know I'm being silly but I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing." She pull toward the corner to Amsterdam and begin to grab my purse. "Ya did good kid." I said back as i kissed her on the cheek and got out of the SUV. She smiled back and waved goodbye as she turned the corner to head to work. 739am is the time on my cellphone and the 112 bus comes toward me. Looks like I will make it to work on time.

that i still have this...i tend to only write something when I'm super frustrated or depressed, but since I'm waiting for one of my friends to get off of work...I'm just going to write this.

................

 My personality can be relationship poison. My sorcastic/ straight up approach to situations don't seem to fit well in other peoples pallet. I stand there wanted to say to people WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY????? But I know what they want...approval..a sholder, a smile and rosey outcome or me to say oh no it's okay I completely understand. But i can't..and I don't think i will any time soon.

I'm always damned to be the bad guy...

A bitter cow....

a bitter...bitter jealous cow who tries her hardest to be happy for her friends, but everyday its starting to feel like more of a chore.

I am terrible.

*sigh*

That seems to be the theme for the past couple of months, and ive reached my breaking point..once again. But instead of taking it out on my friends or drink myself into la la land like i usually do. I thought maybe i would try this and maybe this would be more therapeutic. *sigh* Long story short, ima idiot...a  naive idiot who dreams big but always seems to fall short as of late. I'm just pissed...pissed i can't find a better job, pissed that I don't know what i'm doing with my life and have no financial gain to back that up, pissed that I let stupid people who are beneath me, make me feel a certain way only to piss me off and make me feel like crap in the end. But the sad thing is at the end of the day, all the fucking ranting and raving i'll do i'll still end up going to bed and feeling freaking lonely, lonelier then ive ever felt in my life. But the weird thing is I dunno what to fill it with.

I'm trying, god knows im trying to be more upbeat and take one thing at a time but i just can't. I can't let my brain rest. For weeks ive spent numerous sleepless nights contemplating where I went wrong and how i wish i had all the the wishes in the world just to change that. But in the end thats just childish thinking. This is my life...this is what I have before me and jesus...it's wearing me down.

I just don't know what to do anymore with myself anymore.


I sure wish i knew. 

It kicks in anytime someone gives me a different perspective or if it's going a lil too well for me. That's when the paranoia and the self doubt sets in. Just be normal, just have fun. Don't get bogged down with duty and guilt of doing something wrong. Be happy with right now, maybe this is what you need, do be completely caught off guard and in the end potentially get screwed. It has all the makings of it, just another dumb girl who finally decided to give her brain a rest, but at the wrong fucking time.

I do everything right, what a good upstanding 24 yr old woman should do, but I feel like everytime i go out, someone is secretly judging me or thikning something bad. "Geeze lousie fucking lighten up" I tell myself. Everytime someone says something nice isn't done to try to "swindle" you. 

Deep down inside ive always envied girls that wore there hearts on there sleeve, who can trust and know they can be trusted. I'm so not wired that way. I'm programed to deconstruct every single little thing someone says to me no matter what. Sometimes it came in handy, but other times I just ended up feeling miserable and jaded. And who wants to feel that way?

It would just be easy for me to shut down and not give a flying fuck as to whats happening to me and thats probably what I'm going to do.


Wow...I finally do get the saying "Ya know some people say the true definition of madness is when we do the same things but expect a different result.."

The girl that sits three feet away from me is looking for a new job. I think i know this now. Well maybe because I see her on the same job boards as I and she even asked me did i know a good temp agency so those clues help me put that conclusion together, but I think i just witness her having a mini breakdown. This one caller was giving her hell about a new series. She slammed the phone down which caught me off guard and I stared as she put her head down in disgust.

One side of me wanted to e-mail her and ask if she was okay, did she need a kleenex and what not, but the other side of me is..."Hmmm i wonder how long she'll keep this up because i really want this job."

I obted to do nothing.

1.  How much i enjoy magazines geared toward men more than i do women. The articles are more interesting, the humor is five times wittier, and they don't obsess with improving your oral sex skills or different ways to "spice up your love life."
2. Men fashion is slightly more interesting then women's fashion but in real life if any of my guy friends wore these outfits I would think they could be gay. *read the article about the guy who wore the snug Thom Browne suit around NYC..and the hilarity that ensued.*
3. Chuck Klosterman is still my demi god.
4. The questions they get for there advice section is tops, highlights include, "Hey my sister is hot but im not attracted to her, what gives? or " I'm obsessed with my girlfriends bare vagina..it's not red..no bumps..it's beautiful, how can i tell her this without freaking her out?"
5. Theres this article about a guy who wrote a book of when he attempted to follow all the rules of the bible. it's hilarious... Apparently the bible is a great way to obtained helpful household hints.
    
   Also the bible also has good pick up lines.

    

   Your eyes are doves

   Your hair is like a flock of goats

   Moving down the slopes of Gilead

   Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes

   Your lips are like a scarlet thread

   and your mouth is lovely

   Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate

   Behind your veil

   Your neck is like the Tower of David.
6. Colon cleansing kits are a scam, you'll get the same outcome with a high fiber diet.
7. Whiting toothpaste is also a scam, it only works with small surface stains but does nothing if your a heavy coffee drinking and/or smoker, a audience they target there product to.

 

And finally... I'll always have a hard-on for this man, even if on the cover he looks like a homeless guy with a suit on (he's growing a beard because he's playing Che Guervara in a film) He's delightfully weird, manly, and light hearted....i'm a sucker for that shit.

It's been awhile since ive posted something, I'm in dire need to change my icons..who wants to see my fug mug with my cell phone anymore...

Not me.

I'm angry..for a lot of reasons, I'm angry because I feel that every form of patients that I have is pretty much sucked out of my body. I'm angry because I work a lot and if I want the things I want...it just has to be that way. I'm angry because people don't understand that and just expect me to have some sort of rosy outlook on everything which is certainly not the freaking case.

And the ironic thing is that I am happy, life couldn't get much better, so why do i feel so freaking crummy?

Because I'm being stretched 8 different ways and no one seems to understand this. I talk to my mother..she basically gives me the attitude to shut up and buck up cause shes been "tired" from working this way for years. I talk to my friends, there advice is just to quit but im sure they don't have extra money laying around for me.

Alot of the stretching has is caused by me, and I've accepted that. I hardly ever complain. but to be insensitive or to even question my character in anyway is uncalled for, it's hurtful and it fucking pisses me off.

I need a martini..