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Wilma [userpic]

My defense system is awesome..

November 11th, 2007 (09:48 pm)

current mood: cynical

It kicks in anytime someone gives me a different perspective or if it's going a lil too well for me. That's when the paranoia and the self doubt sets in. Just be normal, just have fun. Don't get bogged down with duty and guilt of doing something wrong. Be happy with right now, maybe this is what you need, do be completely caught off guard and in the end potentially get screwed. It has all the makings of it, just another dumb girl who finally decided to give her brain a rest, but at the wrong fucking time.

I do everything right, what a good upstanding 24 yr old woman should do, but I feel like everytime i go out, someone is secretly judging me or thikning something bad. "Geeze lousie fucking lighten up" I tell myself. Everytime someone says something nice isn't done to try to "swindle" you. 

Deep down inside ive always envied girls that wore there hearts on there sleeve, who can trust and know they can be trusted. I'm so not wired that way. I'm programed to deconstruct every single little thing someone says to me no matter what. Sometimes it came in handy, but other times I just ended up feeling miserable and jaded. And who wants to feel that way?

It would just be easy for me to shut down and not give a flying fuck as to whats happening to me and thats probably what I'm going to do.

Wow...I finally do get the saying "Ya know some people say the true definition of madness is when we do the same things but expect a different result.."